So, remember when I was talking about how important where I was mentally and emotionally has proven to be in my weight loss and healthier living efforts? Yeah. Apparently, it is currently stuck “where the sun don’t shine”. That is to say, I’m suffering a bad case of HUA (Head Up Ass), complicated by a severe relapse of IDGAF. (I Don’t Give A Frell).
I’m off the rails with my eating. I’m back on the bread and once more I crave it like I have to have it to live. I’m not doing much, not moving much and I feel myself slipping down the slope into the black again. I’ve noticed the negative thoughts creeping in under the window sills and weather stripping. “What’s the point?” “I’ll never be able to do it long enough for it to really matter.” “It’s not worth the trouble… I’m not worth the trouble…”
I’m still on my “crazy pills”, but something is off now. I’m not sure what or why. I try to fight it. I try to “fake it till I make it”. Most people don’t have a clue how I feel about myself or how I talk to myself in my head. The see me smile and joke and laugh, but it’s hollow much of the time. No one really notices the slide except a few who know me exceptionally well. My Mom hears it in my voice. The Husband notices I’m doing less around the house and seem withdrawn. He sees what’s happening, but doesn’t know what to say or how to help. I see he recognizes the downward slide when I look in his eyes or catch him watching me with that concerned look as he frets.
I’m trying to claw my way back up the hill. I’m trying not to fall into the chasm. I seem to be losing ground daily though. I’ve been fighting it for a couple of weeks now and I’m not sure how beat it back yet again.
Sometimes, being far from my family sucks.
There are 3 states between my family and I. Sometimes, the distance doesn’t bother me. I DO miss them in the minutiae of my day to day, but that’s what phones and texts and online communication is for. The holidays though, the big life events that I miss, I hate that part.
Last holiday season I didn’t get to see my family at all. Even The Tween was elsewhere. I did NOTHING for the holidays here at home. I didn’t want a tree. I didn’t bake cookies or make candy. All those things are family activities for me. Of course, NOT doing those things for myself just deepened my depression and anxiety about the holidays. It was less than smart to not do SOMETHING here at home. We DID celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving with my InLaws and it was really nice. I enjoyed myself, but there was a big hole in my heart where my parents, my brother and the rest of my family should have been.
Today I found out someone that has always held a special place in my heart is getting married in November. There’s no way I can go. Transportation, timing and money all play a role in keeping me from it. However, KNITTING TO THE RESCUE… hopefully.
I’m going to knit her wedding garter for her. I found a lovely pattern over at Knitting Alone. It’ll be my first try at lace work, but at least I can do some small special thing for her on this important day.
I’m trying to keep my hands busy today. SUPER BUSY. I started back on 2 meal replacement shakes (Herbalife) today and the desire to munch and snack and nibble on carbs is just OVERWHELMING. So, I knit.
It seems all I can think about is food, though. I need to occupy my brain as much as my hands. Maybe the hat I’m knitting is too simple a pattern for today. I think I’ll move on to the shawl. I need to rip half a row. Yeah. That’ll keep my brain busy.
My meds seem to have started kicking in. I’m less frantic, less “OMG THE WORLD IS ENDING”, less “I suck and everyone is better off without me.” I’m not to rainbows and roses yet, but I’m headed that general direction.
A week from today, I start walking on the treadmill more frequently and more regularly. Baby steps and tight stitches, that’s my next couple of weeks. Baby steps and tight, teeny stitches…
We spent yesterday afternoon trying to get The Tween sorted out. The Husband was a hero. He handled most of it because I was such a mess over the whole thing.
I have a tendency to jump in the middle of his trying to discipline The Tween. It’s an AWFUL habit, but I can’t seem to help trying to be a buffer between them. I didn’t do that AT ALL yesterday though. Know what I DID do?
That’s right. I knitted. I grabbed my Baby Swaddle Bag and I KNIT! This pattern is SUPER easy and a fairly fast knit. I’m about 1/3 of the way done with it and I’ve got about 6 or 7 hours of work put into it! I love the colors and the way they’re knitting up!
EXTREME CLOSE UP
I have no idea who I’ll give this to though. I’m not sure the colors are going to appeal to any of my pregnant friends, but I couldn’t resist the bright colors for a baby project!
Knitting on this got me through yesterday. Knitting really DOES work as therapy. My calm, it wasn’t damaged!!! (Well, at least not any more than it already WAS.)
Sorry for the lack of post yesterday. I spent the majority of my day futzing with my Sugar is Sweet shawl. I’m actually pretty excited. I THINK I finally have it working properly. I managed to do a row of K4Tog-TBL and K4Tog without destroying my garment OR stabbing myself in the eye with a knitting needle. It took me almost 3 hours to do that ONE row, but by God I DID IT!
That’s one of the coolest parts of this knitting thing. I’m physically doing something, and at this point it’s almost all new. When I manage to master something it feels GREAT and I have something to show for it. Granted, it’s never a PERFECT copy of the pattern, but when I cook I don’t follow the recipe to the letter either.
My superhero name? “Danger Girl!” or… yanno… “Can’t follow instructions Girl!”
So… knitting for relaxation. It’s not working out so well for me right now. I cannot get this shawl to work out right. I have no CLUE what I’m doing wrong. Every time I THINK I have it figure out I’m proven wrong and I AM NOT FROGGING this thing again! *stares around the internet wild eyed and panting*
I’m forging on with it and trying to correct as I go. It’s likely going to be a hot mess when I’m done, but we’ll see…
Today I have ripped out over 1000 stitches and knit 5 rows of the shell pattern… incorrectly… but yes… I knit 5 rows. My head hurts.
Someone pass the wine!!!!
I’m having a very “Unfit for Humans” kind of day. Not much to say. Stitches are very, very tiny. Hopefully I’ll loosen my grip later.