So, remember when I was talking about how important where I was mentally and emotionally has proven to be in my weight loss and healthier living efforts?  Yeah.  Apparently, it is currently stuck “where the sun don’t shine”.  That is to say, I’m suffering a bad case of HUA (Head Up Ass), complicated by a severe relapse of IDGAF.  (I Don’t Give A Frell).

I’m off the rails with my eating.  I’m back on the bread and once more I crave it like I have to have it to live.  I’m not doing much, not moving much and I feel myself slipping down the slope into the black again.  I’ve noticed the negative thoughts creeping in under the window sills and weather stripping.  “What’s the point?” “I’ll never be able to do it long enough for it to really matter.” “It’s not worth the trouble… I’m not worth the trouble…”

I’m still on my “crazy pills”, but something is off now.  I’m not sure what or why.  I try to fight it.  I try to “fake it till I make it”.  Most people don’t have a clue how I feel about myself or how I talk to myself in my head.  The see me smile and joke and laugh, but it’s hollow much of the time.  No one really notices the slide except a few who know me exceptionally well.  My Mom hears it in my voice.  The Husband notices I’m doing less around the house and seem withdrawn.  He sees what’s happening, but doesn’t know what to say or how to help.  I see he recognizes the downward slide when I look in his eyes or catch him watching me with that concerned look as he frets.

I’m trying to claw my way back up the hill.  I’m trying not to fall into the chasm.  I seem to be losing ground daily though.  I’ve been fighting it for a couple of weeks now and I’m not sure how beat it back yet again.


Down Cycle – Lifting Up

The last 10 days have been rough mentally and physically.  I haven’t exercised.  I’ve been lazy with my eating.  Lazy in general.

Mentally, I’ve been in a trough.  PMS beat me down and then my cycle tried to kill me.  Five days of HORRIBLE cramps and pain.  There were times I couldn’t stand up straight.  I had NO desire to move most of the time, much less exercise.  I wanted comfort food.  Salt, chocolate and fat were what I craved, and I gave into it.  I didn’t go CRAZY with it, but I didn’t fight off the cravings either.

I’m sure to post a gain Weds. when I weigh.  Last weigh in I gained a pound as well.  I’m fairly sure THAT was water weight though.  I was retaining water like a friggin’ camel.  THIS Weds. though, won’t be water weight.  It’ll be bad head space and not giving enough of a damn to power through it.

HOWEVER, I’m back on track now.  I did 40 minutes on my arm cycle this morning.  Burned 407 calories!  I had my Herbalife shake this morning for breakfast.  Lunch will be Chicken sausage an a lil bit of pasta with a side salad.  Dinner will be another shake.  I have fresh peaches and nectarines to snack on.  I have black cherries, too!  I’m set and I’m ready to kick my own ass again.

Let’s DO this thing, yo!

NSV – It’s the Little Things

Terri commented on my post from yesterday that I needed to stop focusing so much on the number on the scale and celebrate the OTHER good things coming out of this new way of life.

I thought about that a LOT.

You know what?  She’s totally, completely right.  I wasn’t sure what to call these little “Win’s” and after MUCH lurking on weight loss boards I found a term that is already being used for such things.  I had heard of it before and I’ve used the acronym before, but I had totally forgotten about it over time.  It’s meaning and it’s purpose are pretty clear once you know what it stands for.

NSV- Non-Scale Victories

Isn’t that fantastic?  Non-scale. Victories.

Now that I had a term for it I needed to figure out what an NSV for ME could be.  (I’m alone A LOT.  I think about stuff… A LOT.  Don’t judge. 😛 )  The more I thought, the more I struggled until I came to the conclusion that anything that indicated improvement in my general health and size worked. I tend to be a “Big Picture” kind of girl.  It’s just how I’m wired.  When you’re trying to lose 200+ pounds the “Big Picture” can bit a bit… daunting.  I need to celebrate the little things, the everyday things.

Of course, that leads me to a whole OTHER chain of thought.

How do I recognize an NSV?  Hmmmm…  I’ve landed on this.  NSV’s are little things that happen during my day that excite me and charge me up about getting healthier and losing weight.  Pretty simple and straight forward.

Then I realized I’d had not one but TWO, 2 Ah-ah-ah!*!, NSV’s in as many days.

Yesterday, we went to SUBWAY for dinner.  I’m slightly addicted to their Turkey, Bacon and Avocado subs right now.  Usually by the time we get through the line and out the door my lower back is KILLING me.  I have to lean on things to remain standing.  (This also gives you some idea of JUST how out of shape I am.)  It hit me as we were walking to the car.  I HADN’T HAD TO LEAN ON ANYTHING AND MY BACK WASN’T HURTING!!!!  I was SO excited.  It was total evidence of the exercise working.

This evening I had the second NSV.  I have to sit to do most things.  I can’t stand long enough to chop an onion or cut up a couple of potatoes or even shred cheese on the grater.  I’m THAT kind of out of shape.  Tonight I diced up 3 potatoes, 1 sweet potato, seasoned em, prepared the baking dishes, and shredded the cheese for The Husband’s regular potatoes WITHOUT SITTING DOWN AT ALL.  That’s not to say that my back wasn’t bothering me, because it totally was.  However, I managed it!

They’re such small things that most people take for granted.  When I started all this 5 weeks ago I couldn’t have done either of them.  *Does Happy Snoopy Dance*



***Yes… That was The Count from Sesame Street.  😛



Weigh Day! Weigh Day! Houston, We Have A…

I’m trying not to be obsessive and weigh daily, so I’ve made Weds. my “Weigh Day”.  I woke up early today.  I was a bit anxious and nervous.  It was a lot like a first date with a person you really kinda dig, but are afraid to trust your judgement on.  I had butterflies in my stomach.  My palms were sweaty.  The heart… she was racing.

I got all “Done up” for my date with the scale.  (HONESTLY, the only 2nd date I’ve EVER gone to as unclothed as possible.  I PROMISE MOM!) I felt shy and unsure of myself.  As I looked in the mirror I THOUGHT I could see a difference in my face, maybe I was just seeing the promise of the hope and excitement I was feeling, maybe it’s actual visible proof.  Really, I didn’t care which.  I FELT better having noticed it so I stepped on the scale, a little lighter in my heart and step.

The numbers did their thing and my jaw dropped.  That CAN’T be right!

I stepped on again and… the same result!

7 pounds?  7-Mother-Frelling-Pounds!!!?!?!?!?!?  No. Way!

I have to admit, I cried a bit.  It’s silly to get so emotional over a number, but that damn number has done NOTHING but go up over my lifetime and it makes me more than a little crazy.  I don’t really handle this stuff well.

I calmed down.  Wiped my face.  Blew my nose.

I got back into bed with The Husband and curled up to him.  He snuggled into me and asked where I’d gone.  I sighed, just a little, and told him I’d weighed.  We were quiet for a bit and he drifted off to sleep again for a moment.  When he surfaced again he simply asked, “Well?”

I wasn’t sure how to tell him.  Finally, I just blurted it out…

“7 Goddamned Pounds.”  He frowned and looked a bit confused.  Then I giggled helplessly…

“I LOST 7 more lbs. this week!!!!  That’s 20 lbs down in a month!”

I was grinning like an idiot.  He slugged me gently for being a brat then hugged me and congratulated me on my progress.


Binding On in a New Way

I know I’ve been silent for a lil while on here, but  I’ve been BUSY, Yo!

With my new outlook and mindset has come something, unexpected.  Wonderful, but not something anyone wants to hear about day in and day out.  Unfortunately, it’s kind of consuming my every thought and moment.  I’ve been making a concerted effort on getting my health back on track, and I’m really loving every second of it.

I’m exercising almost every day.

You have NO idea how huge that is for me.  I WANT to exercise.  I still suck as far as endurance goes.   I can only go for a few moments at a time.  Then I have to stop for a few.  Previously, I’d get to that stopping point and just… Stop.  (That’s IF I GOT STARTED AT ALL!)  Now, I press on until I’ve done 25 minutes of exercise.  Sure, it may take me 45 minutes to get it done, but BY GOD I’m DOING it.  Eventually, it’ll only take me 25 minutes, or it’ll still take 45 minutes, but that’s because I’m exercising the whole 45 minutes!

I’m drinking two Herbalife shakes a day.  One for breakfast and one for supper.  I’m supplementing with fresh fruit and veggie snacks like cucumber, tomato and avocado salad, cantaloupe and watermelon!  (I love this time of year!) Lunch is all about FOOD!  This week I’ve had hamburger patties topped with a slice of cheese and a fried egg (fried in non-stick pan with a lil spray oil).  No Bread.  No condiments.  SO YUMMEH!  I’ve also been experimenting with Lean Cuisine and other low cal frozen dinners.  If you’re interested I could start reviewing them here.  So far they are kinda hit and miss.  Whatever I have for lunch though, I have a nice fresh bowl of veggies, no dressing.  Just salt and pepper.  It helps fill me up and keep me full!

OH!  Speaking of bread, I have cut it out of my diet!  Almost 3 weeks now of no bread!  Really, most starchy things are gone.  I’m LOVING how it’s making me feel, but OMG… my blood sugars are crashing through the floor.  I have crashed almost daily since I’ve started this healthier eating and it’s wearing me out!  I’m decreasing my short acting insulin every day, but I still haven’t hit upon the right amount for my decreased/healthier eating and increased physical activity.  I’m thinking of putting potatoes back into rotation and maybe sweet potatoes.  I can fix them in different ways and it would keep me from crashing quite so much.

The one thing I DO miss is crunchy stuff.  Especially the last few days.  PMS IS TRYING TO ASSASSINATE MY PLAN!!!!  DAMN YOU HORMONES!!!!  Salty, sweet and crunchy is what I’ve been craving.  I have devised a not so horrible for me snack mix that seems to be keeping that in check though.  It’s four different kinds of Cheerio’s, Cracklin Oat Bran, dry roasted peanuts and mini chocolate chips.  I eat 1/4 to 1/2 a cup.  It’s high in fiber, has a lil protein, a lil chocolate, a lil salt and is decent calorie wise.  It’s got some short and long burning carbs and some fat so it helps my evening blood sugars stay level.  One-half cup of it clocks in at about 100 calories and is plenty to keep me feeling satisfied.

Anyone wanna do this with me?  (Obviously, you’d do it with your own preferred eating and exercise regime.  🙂 )  We can support each other and motivate each other and kick each other in the ass when we need it!

Unfortunately, I haven’t been knitting much with all of this going on.  I’m HOPING to get back to it VERY soon though.  I have a hat to finish for my SIL and Christmas Knitting to get started on!!!!  (Also, EVERY WOMAN I KNOW THAT IS FERTILE IS PREGNANT.  W. T. F. ?  LITERALLY! HAH!)

I’m open to suggestions and questions about all this stuff, by the way.  Email or comment away!

Weaving in the Ends

Restless.  That’s how I’m feeling today.  We dropped The Tween off in another state yesterday.  Tomorrow he flies to yet another.  He’ll be gone for eight weeks and I’m feeling very up in the air.

My new medicine for depression is working GANGBUSTERS.  I have energy and the desire to take care of things.  Unfortunately, PHYSICALLY I’m not up to the task.  I’m doing small things.  Doing things a bit at a time, but I have this URGE to GET IT DONE NOW!  There’s this sense of immediacy that’s, frankly, annoying the hell out of me.  I’m not satisfied with what I CAN do on my own.


I ordered a piece of exercise equipment Friday.  It’s just a mini cycle.  You can “pedal” with your hands or your feet.  I am going to use it to build up my strength, but it’s going to take time.

I need to shut that mouthy ho’ in the back of my head up for a bit.  I’ve been knitting on a couple of projects and that helps, but I feel guilty for not doing MORE in the house.  *Sigh*  I’m not so good a baby steps.

Silence is Golden and Full of Change

Sorry for the silence lately.

I’ve been trying to get myself in a better place.  The new prescription for depression and anxiety seems to be really helping.  Slowly, I can feel the changes coming on.  I no longer feel like I’m always on the edge of “Losing IT”.  I no longer feel like there’s someone else inside my skin just waiting to rip it’s way out like The Incredible Hulk to spray it’s rage on everyone.  The random crying jags have stopped.  The anxiety attacks are gone too.  I actually feel like DOING things.  I’m cleaning a bit more, moving around a bit more.

The thing is, as I go through these changes I’m not sure what to say.  No one wants to hear about the minutiae of coming out of depression and anxiety.  Unless you’ve gone through it, you can’t really understand it.  The process is different for everyone.

All I can really say is that it comes at the right time.  The Tween leaves Sunday for 8 weeks of visiting family.  Usually, I’m a nervous wreck.  Overly angsty is my normal response and this time I’m not going there, so far.  Heh.  We’ll see how I am Sunday.