So, remember when I was talking about how important where I was mentally and emotionally has proven to be in my weight loss and healthier living efforts?  Yeah.  Apparently, it is currently stuck “where the sun don’t shine”.  That is to say, I’m suffering a bad case of HUA (Head Up Ass), complicated by a severe relapse of IDGAF.  (I Don’t Give A Frell).

I’m off the rails with my eating.  I’m back on the bread and once more I crave it like I have to have it to live.  I’m not doing much, not moving much and I feel myself slipping down the slope into the black again.  I’ve noticed the negative thoughts creeping in under the window sills and weather stripping.  “What’s the point?” “I’ll never be able to do it long enough for it to really matter.” “It’s not worth the trouble… I’m not worth the trouble…”

I’m still on my “crazy pills”, but something is off now.  I’m not sure what or why.  I try to fight it.  I try to “fake it till I make it”.  Most people don’t have a clue how I feel about myself or how I talk to myself in my head.  The see me smile and joke and laugh, but it’s hollow much of the time.  No one really notices the slide except a few who know me exceptionally well.  My Mom hears it in my voice.  The Husband notices I’m doing less around the house and seem withdrawn.  He sees what’s happening, but doesn’t know what to say or how to help.  I see he recognizes the downward slide when I look in his eyes or catch him watching me with that concerned look as he frets.

I’m trying to claw my way back up the hill.  I’m trying not to fall into the chasm.  I seem to be losing ground daily though.  I’ve been fighting it for a couple of weeks now and I’m not sure how beat it back yet again.


Down Cycle – Lifting Up

The last 10 days have been rough mentally and physically.  I haven’t exercised.  I’ve been lazy with my eating.  Lazy in general.

Mentally, I’ve been in a trough.  PMS beat me down and then my cycle tried to kill me.  Five days of HORRIBLE cramps and pain.  There were times I couldn’t stand up straight.  I had NO desire to move most of the time, much less exercise.  I wanted comfort food.  Salt, chocolate and fat were what I craved, and I gave into it.  I didn’t go CRAZY with it, but I didn’t fight off the cravings either.

I’m sure to post a gain Weds. when I weigh.  Last weigh in I gained a pound as well.  I’m fairly sure THAT was water weight though.  I was retaining water like a friggin’ camel.  THIS Weds. though, won’t be water weight.  It’ll be bad head space and not giving enough of a damn to power through it.

HOWEVER, I’m back on track now.  I did 40 minutes on my arm cycle this morning.  Burned 407 calories!  I had my Herbalife shake this morning for breakfast.  Lunch will be Chicken sausage an a lil bit of pasta with a side salad.  Dinner will be another shake.  I have fresh peaches and nectarines to snack on.  I have black cherries, too!  I’m set and I’m ready to kick my own ass again.

Let’s DO this thing, yo!

NSV – It’s the Little Things

Terri commented on my post from yesterday that I needed to stop focusing so much on the number on the scale and celebrate the OTHER good things coming out of this new way of life.

I thought about that a LOT.

You know what?  She’s totally, completely right.  I wasn’t sure what to call these little “Win’s” and after MUCH lurking on weight loss boards I found a term that is already being used for such things.  I had heard of it before and I’ve used the acronym before, but I had totally forgotten about it over time.  It’s meaning and it’s purpose are pretty clear once you know what it stands for.

NSV- Non-Scale Victories

Isn’t that fantastic?  Non-scale. Victories.

Now that I had a term for it I needed to figure out what an NSV for ME could be.  (I’m alone A LOT.  I think about stuff… A LOT.  Don’t judge. 😛 )  The more I thought, the more I struggled until I came to the conclusion that anything that indicated improvement in my general health and size worked. I tend to be a “Big Picture” kind of girl.  It’s just how I’m wired.  When you’re trying to lose 200+ pounds the “Big Picture” can bit a bit… daunting.  I need to celebrate the little things, the everyday things.

Of course, that leads me to a whole OTHER chain of thought.

How do I recognize an NSV?  Hmmmm…  I’ve landed on this.  NSV’s are little things that happen during my day that excite me and charge me up about getting healthier and losing weight.  Pretty simple and straight forward.

Then I realized I’d had not one but TWO, 2 Ah-ah-ah!*!, NSV’s in as many days.

Yesterday, we went to SUBWAY for dinner.  I’m slightly addicted to their Turkey, Bacon and Avocado subs right now.  Usually by the time we get through the line and out the door my lower back is KILLING me.  I have to lean on things to remain standing.  (This also gives you some idea of JUST how out of shape I am.)  It hit me as we were walking to the car.  I HADN’T HAD TO LEAN ON ANYTHING AND MY BACK WASN’T HURTING!!!!  I was SO excited.  It was total evidence of the exercise working.

This evening I had the second NSV.  I have to sit to do most things.  I can’t stand long enough to chop an onion or cut up a couple of potatoes or even shred cheese on the grater.  I’m THAT kind of out of shape.  Tonight I diced up 3 potatoes, 1 sweet potato, seasoned em, prepared the baking dishes, and shredded the cheese for The Husband’s regular potatoes WITHOUT SITTING DOWN AT ALL.  That’s not to say that my back wasn’t bothering me, because it totally was.  However, I managed it!

They’re such small things that most people take for granted.  When I started all this 5 weeks ago I couldn’t have done either of them.  *Does Happy Snoopy Dance*



***Yes… That was The Count from Sesame Street.  😛



Hell Hath No Fury…

like a knitter scorned.

The USOC has apparently gone insane trying to protect the “image” of the Olympics.  They have sent a Cease and Desist type letter to Ravelry, stating that the “Ravelympics” is guilty of “infringing” on their “intellectual property rights” and “We believe using the name “Ravelympics” for a competition that involves an afghan marathon, scarf hockey and sweater triathlon, among others, tends to denigrate the true nature of the Olympic Games.  In a sense, it is disrespectful to our country’s finest athletes and fails to recognize or appreciate their hard work.”.  Seriously?  SERIOUSLY?

The Ravelympics were organized as a booster club.  Ravelry nor the participants profit monetarily from the “games”.  Those participating knit in the “events” they sign up for by knitting items that fit the stated criteria for that event, often while WATCHING the Olympics.  Tons of time, care, love and effort go into making these items… and LEARNING how to craft in general.

It’s a way for lovers of the fiber arts to come together from around the globe and challenge themselves, push themselves, and better themselves with like minded people all over the globe.  Hmmmm… Yeah.  I can definitely see why that denigrates the true spirit of the Olympic games.  It is DEFINITELY an insult to the athletes and all the work they put into their craft.  Oops.  Sport.  *cough*

Seems to me the only ones maligning the spirit and the essence of the Olympics are the litigious, greedy, self-aggrandizing, egocentric people pushing this sort of nonsense. Of course, what do I know.  I’m just a knitter…

Weigh Day! Weigh Day! Houston, We Have A…

I’m trying not to be obsessive and weigh daily, so I’ve made Weds. my “Weigh Day”.  I woke up early today.  I was a bit anxious and nervous.  It was a lot like a first date with a person you really kinda dig, but are afraid to trust your judgement on.  I had butterflies in my stomach.  My palms were sweaty.  The heart… she was racing.

I got all “Done up” for my date with the scale.  (HONESTLY, the only 2nd date I’ve EVER gone to as unclothed as possible.  I PROMISE MOM!) I felt shy and unsure of myself.  As I looked in the mirror I THOUGHT I could see a difference in my face, maybe I was just seeing the promise of the hope and excitement I was feeling, maybe it’s actual visible proof.  Really, I didn’t care which.  I FELT better having noticed it so I stepped on the scale, a little lighter in my heart and step.

The numbers did their thing and my jaw dropped.  That CAN’T be right!

I stepped on again and… the same result!

7 pounds?  7-Mother-Frelling-Pounds!!!?!?!?!?!?  No. Way!

I have to admit, I cried a bit.  It’s silly to get so emotional over a number, but that damn number has done NOTHING but go up over my lifetime and it makes me more than a little crazy.  I don’t really handle this stuff well.

I calmed down.  Wiped my face.  Blew my nose.

I got back into bed with The Husband and curled up to him.  He snuggled into me and asked where I’d gone.  I sighed, just a little, and told him I’d weighed.  We were quiet for a bit and he drifted off to sleep again for a moment.  When he surfaced again he simply asked, “Well?”

I wasn’t sure how to tell him.  Finally, I just blurted it out…

“7 Goddamned Pounds.”  He frowned and looked a bit confused.  Then I giggled helplessly…

“I LOST 7 more lbs. this week!!!!  That’s 20 lbs down in a month!”

I was grinning like an idiot.  He slugged me gently for being a brat then hugged me and congratulated me on my progress.


Monday Morning Tinkerback

Who would have EVER thought they’d dread the weekends?

I do pretty well during the week.  I drink my Herbalife shakes, eat veggies and fruit in reasonable quantities.  I exercise.  I. Have. It. GOIN’. ON. The weekends though, fuck up my world.

I did ok Saturday, but only OK.  Great never even entered my mind.  Sunday though?

Oy. Vey!

I ate biscuits without even thinking about it.  Then I figured, “Eh… I already broke my bread fast.  I may as well enjoy it.”  Then ate a couple more at dinner.  I ate banana bread.  I had breakfast sausage.  Any of those things alone wouldn’t have been HORRIBLE or even bad.  Together though?  Ugh.  Bad. Food. Day.  Top it off with no exercise because my back was bothering me and I wimped out because of it, and you have the makings of HOT MESS SUNDAY.

However, last night I did some research and found a DVD for strengthening your core muscles.  Yanno… back… stomach… I REALLY need to get those muscles in gear.  I can’t stand or walk for very long AT ALL and the later in the day it gets, the more quickly those muscles give out on me.  I hate it.  It makes me angry with myself.  It makes me cry.  (I am not exaggerating.  I actually cry in the evenings when they give out faster and faster.  It’s so damn frustrating.   I am a wussy.)  The awesome part of this DVD?  The exercises are designed for people with mobility issues.  You do them in a chair.  A. CHAIR.  It’s entirely possible that I could do the 20 minute set without killing myself.  We’ll see how it goes.  I’m pretty excited about having found this and they have other DVD’s designed for people with mobility issues that are aerobic in nature as well as stretching exercises.    I’m hoping to get them all eventually, but Imma start with the Strengthening DVD and move forward from there.

I’m back on track today.  I had my breakfast shake.  As soon as I hit “Post” on this sucker I’ll be getting my exercise on.  Then it’s housework for a bit.

I’ll get it right on the weekends eventually.  Damned if I know WHEN… but I will.  I struggle with it, a lot sometimes, but I’m getting there.

I have to remember to tink my mistakes slowly and steadily without letting them throw me off.  I’m knitting a new pattern for myself and errors are GOING to happen.  C’est la tricoter.  C’est la vie.

Falling Off… No… UNDER the Wagon

Oh Weekend!  It takes SO LONG for you to get here, and then you’re gone in the blink of an eye!

We had a fantastic weekend!  Friday was The Husband’s birthday and his parents came in for a 24-ish hour visit.  We had a fantastic Italian feast at Martinelli’s Little Italy in Salina, KS.  Everyone was happy with their meals.  I behaved for the MOST part.  I ate NONE of their delicious fresh bread and butter.  I ordered a Caprese Salad as an appetizer, it was FABULOUS.

My entree’ was Talapia Piccata with a side of spiral pasta in a creamy pesto sauce.  I shared the appetizer with everyone and only ate about 1/3 of my pasta.  And then… I blew my diet to hell in spectacular fashion!  I had dessert.  Fresh pound cake with caramel and chocolate drizzle, Banana Gelato and caramelized bananas.  Holy… Amazeballs… that was fabulous.  I shared and I left 1/3 of it on the plate.  I didn’t do TOO badly, but unfortunately I knocked me off my healthy wagon for a bit.

After dinner we all went back to our house.  We were talking about the fascist ceiling fan/light fixture in our dinning room.  It was blowing bulbs in a couple of weeks.  We kept changing them and changing them and then… we ran out of bulbs.  My FIL decided at almost 9pm that we needed to go to Lowe’s in Salina and get a new fan and light kit to install.  Off the men went to get one!  My MIL and I stayed behind and chatted and laughed and I knitted a bit.  It was really some nice girl time with her!  The guys got back about 10:30pm and decided NOW WAS THE TIME!  They started installing the fan and light kit right then.  We finally finished around 2:30am.  OMG… I had dreams filled with the sounds of screws falling from the sky and hitting my hardwood floor.  It was CRAZY, y’all.  Funny as hell at moments though.

We went to bed around 3am and got up at 7am.  MIL, The Husband and I went to the Farmer’s Market.  Now, our Farmer’s Market is tiny.  I mean, 10 booths MAX.  We still managed to come home with pickled beets, fresh Yukon Gold potatoes, fresh cheese (some of which was Raw Milk cheese… ZOMG SO GOOD!), Farm Fresh Eggs, Zucchini Bread and Banana Nut Bread.  (The Zucchini Bread was of the eunuch variety.  Yanno… no nuts!  Bwahahah!)  Then we hit the grocery store.  I spent the rest of the day chopping everything in the house.  I chopped ‘taters, onions, bell pepper, Baby Bella Mushrooms, cantaloupe, tomatoes, avocado, cucumbers and my left index finger.  (Yes, you read that right… Left… Index… Finger… CHOPPED!)

The men put up a 2nd ceiling fan.  This one in the living room.  They cleaned out the garage and put mulching blades on our riding lawnmower.  Also, they fixed the garage door.  My MIL attempted to save my front flower bed, but it was unsalvageable.  She pulled up my plants (Black eyed Susans) because the leaves all had this awful black fungus on them.  Next Spring we’ll start over with new plants.  Hopefully, by then I can do more in the yard.

We had a yummy late lunch of Hamburgers (no bun for me and topped with one of those farm fresh eggs), Packet Potatoes, Tomato, and cucumber and avocado Salad.  Later we snacked on the quick breads and drank coffee.  The In-Laws left around 8pm.

Saturday night I could barely move.  My body was SO DAMN SORE it was unreal.   It kinda pissed me off because compared to everyone else I did NOTHING.  Sigh… I’ll get there I know.  I know.  I just hate being the weakest link at a work party.

Sunday, The Husband and I just chilled out.  I did some laundry, cleaned the kitchen a bit, but that was it for the most part.

Food-wise I did ok until we ate cheese and crackers.  I went a lil’ batshit insane becuase ZOMG that fresh cheese was so… so… good.

Also, I drank Soda this weekend.  Two huge Diet Dr. Pepper’s from Sonic.

I fell UNDER the wagon, yo!

However, I’m back on it today.  I had my breakfast shake and I’m going to snack on some Melon Salad later.  Lunch will be some tomatoes with S&P and a hamburger pattie topped with a fried farm fresh egg.  I’m also going to cook some more Packet Potatoes.  This time I’ll use ICan’tBelieveIt’sNotButter Spray on mine rather than real butter.  No cheese.  Just taters, onions, bell peppers and Baby Bellas.  Should be Yummmmmm.

After lunch I’ll do my exercise.  30 min on the mini arm cycle.  35 if I can handle it!

Onward and upward damnit!  No beating myself up for my weekend slide.  I did 3 weeks of healthy eating.  Two days of being kinda bad aren’t so awful.  I coulda been sooooo much worse.