HUA

So, remember when I was talking about how important where I was mentally and emotionally has proven to be in my weight loss and healthier living efforts?  Yeah.  Apparently, it is currently stuck “where the sun don’t shine”.  That is to say, I’m suffering a bad case of HUA (Head Up Ass), complicated by a severe relapse of IDGAF.  (I Don’t Give A Frell).

I’m off the rails with my eating.  I’m back on the bread and once more I crave it like I have to have it to live.  I’m not doing much, not moving much and I feel myself slipping down the slope into the black again.  I’ve noticed the negative thoughts creeping in under the window sills and weather stripping.  “What’s the point?” “I’ll never be able to do it long enough for it to really matter.” “It’s not worth the trouble… I’m not worth the trouble…”

I’m still on my “crazy pills”, but something is off now.  I’m not sure what or why.  I try to fight it.  I try to “fake it till I make it”.  Most people don’t have a clue how I feel about myself or how I talk to myself in my head.  The see me smile and joke and laugh, but it’s hollow much of the time.  No one really notices the slide except a few who know me exceptionally well.  My Mom hears it in my voice.  The Husband notices I’m doing less around the house and seem withdrawn.  He sees what’s happening, but doesn’t know what to say or how to help.  I see he recognizes the downward slide when I look in his eyes or catch him watching me with that concerned look as he frets.

I’m trying to claw my way back up the hill.  I’m trying not to fall into the chasm.  I seem to be losing ground daily though.  I’ve been fighting it for a couple of weeks now and I’m not sure how beat it back yet again.

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