Something Blue

Sometimes, being far from my family sucks.

There are 3 states between my family and I.  Sometimes, the distance doesn’t bother me.  I DO miss them in the minutiae of my day to day, but that’s what phones and texts and online communication is for.  The holidays though, the big life events that I miss, I hate that part.

Last holiday season I didn’t get to see my family at all.  Even The Tween was elsewhere.  I did NOTHING for the holidays here at home.   I didn’t want a tree.  I didn’t bake cookies or make candy.  All those things are family activities for me.  Of course, NOT doing those things for myself just deepened my depression and anxiety about the holidays.  It was less than smart to not do SOMETHING here at home.  We DID celebrate Christmas and Thanksgiving with my InLaws and it was really nice.  I enjoyed myself, but there was a big hole in my heart where my parents, my brother and the rest of my family should have been.

Today I found out someone that has always held a special place in my heart is getting married in November.  There’s no way I can go.  Transportation, timing and money all play a role in keeping me from it.  However, KNITTING TO THE RESCUE… hopefully.

I’m going to knit her wedding garter for her.  I found a lovely pattern over at Knitting Alone.  It’ll be my first try at lace work, but at least I can do some small special thing for her on this important day.

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Weaving in the Ends

Restless.  That’s how I’m feeling today.  We dropped The Tween off in another state yesterday.  Tomorrow he flies to yet another.  He’ll be gone for eight weeks and I’m feeling very up in the air.

My new medicine for depression is working GANGBUSTERS.  I have energy and the desire to take care of things.  Unfortunately, PHYSICALLY I’m not up to the task.  I’m doing small things.  Doing things a bit at a time, but I have this URGE to GET IT DONE NOW!  There’s this sense of immediacy that’s, frankly, annoying the hell out of me.  I’m not satisfied with what I CAN do on my own.

HOLY SHITBALLS!

I ordered a piece of exercise equipment Friday.  It’s just a mini cycle.  You can “pedal” with your hands or your feet.  I am going to use it to build up my strength, but it’s going to take time.

I need to shut that mouthy ho’ in the back of my head up for a bit.  I’ve been knitting on a couple of projects and that helps, but I feel guilty for not doing MORE in the house.  *Sigh*  I’m not so good a baby steps.

Silence is Golden and Full of Change

Sorry for the silence lately.

I’ve been trying to get myself in a better place.  The new prescription for depression and anxiety seems to be really helping.  Slowly, I can feel the changes coming on.  I no longer feel like I’m always on the edge of “Losing IT”.  I no longer feel like there’s someone else inside my skin just waiting to rip it’s way out like The Incredible Hulk to spray it’s rage on everyone.  The random crying jags have stopped.  The anxiety attacks are gone too.  I actually feel like DOING things.  I’m cleaning a bit more, moving around a bit more.

The thing is, as I go through these changes I’m not sure what to say.  No one wants to hear about the minutiae of coming out of depression and anxiety.  Unless you’ve gone through it, you can’t really understand it.  The process is different for everyone.

All I can really say is that it comes at the right time.  The Tween leaves Sunday for 8 weeks of visiting family.  Usually, I’m a nervous wreck.  Overly angsty is my normal response and this time I’m not going there, so far.  Heh.  We’ll see how I am Sunday.

Lend Me Your Ear

Eight more days and The Tween will be done with 6th grade.  Two days later he’ll leave for eight weeks, two months.  Forty-four days and he’ll turn twelve years old.  It’s crazy how fast this school year has gone by and how quickly my child is growing up.  I see all the potential in the world in him, but helping HIM see it is difficult.

He’s been in trouble a LOT this year.  We’ve had issues with talking back, poor study habits, his belief that we don’t know anything, and lying.  It’s been rough on all of us.  However, he’s made the A-B Honor Roll every quarter, he has tried SO hard to keep his mouth and attitude in check at times, and he’s tried to do things for both The Husband and I just to be nice. He’s also done it to broker good will when he’s in trouble.  He tried to wash the Jeep… while it was still in the garage.  He cleaned the kitchen… and re-organized it leaving me lost when I tried to cook dinner.

I know he feels like he can’t do anything right. He’s said those words to me.

I want him to understand something, so I’m putting it out here into the Blogaverse for him to see:

You are a great kid.  You’re funny, smart and have a loving heart.  You’re stubborn like I am.  Your frustration threshold is low and I know you got your temper from me.  I yell, a lot sometimes, and I correct you even more than that.  I know sometimes you feel like you hate me because of it.  You think I’m mean because I won’t let you watch R rated moves or play M rated games, because I won’t let you take your cell phone to school or play games online with random people.  Sometimes I hate myself because of all the conflict.

I do it anyway, not because it’s my job, not because I enjoy it.  I do it because I love you and I want you to reach all that potential I see in you.  I know how desperately you want to be a grown up and you’ll get there sooner than any of us can imagine, but you’re not there yet.  Let us help you find your way there.  Don’t fight us so hard.  Don’t try to run there so fast.  The road there can be filled with fun and laughter if you don’t rush.

Reading to his cousin.

I promise to try not to hold you back and to give you your head.  I promise to be here when you need help and to try to stay out of your way when you don’t.  Just try not to outdistance me.  My love can reach you anywhere, but my arms can’t.

Eeking Along

I’m trying to keep my hands busy today.  SUPER BUSY.  I started back on 2 meal replacement shakes (Herbalife) today and the desire to munch and snack and nibble on carbs is just OVERWHELMING.  So, I knit.

It seems all I can think about is food, though.  I need to occupy my brain as much as my hands.  Maybe the hat I’m knitting is too simple a pattern for today.  I think I’ll move on to the shawl.  I need to rip half a row.  Yeah.  That’ll keep my brain busy.

My meds seem to have started kicking in.  I’m less frantic, less “OMG THE WORLD IS ENDING”, less “I suck and everyone is better off without me.”  I’m not to rainbows and roses yet, but I’m headed that general direction.

A week from today, I start walking on the treadmill more frequently and more regularly.  Baby steps and tight stitches, that’s my next couple of weeks.  Baby steps and tight, teeny stitches…

Gifted, Oh Yeah

So, I’m about half-way done with the baby swaddling bag I’m knitting, and I am just about out of yarn.

Yep… Totally how I feel…

I read the pattern.  It SAID 400 yards of worsted, knit double strand.  I special ordered the yarn from a friend that dyes yarn, 400 yards of worsted weight yarn.  You’d THINK that would be enough for the project, right?  Unfortunately,  it DIDN’T specify that you needed 400 yards for each strand.  Sigh

I feel like I’m coming up short with a lot of things these days, but I’m trying to keep it all together. I’ve started my new anxiety/depression medication, but I’ve only been on it 3 days.  I really hope it makes a difference, and does it SOON.

In the meantime, I’m tying a knot in the end of my yarn and holding on…

Wrap and Turn

Doctor’s appointments, new meds, food poisoning.

See that up there?  ^^^^^^^^  That’s been my last 2 days.  I’m not QUITE over the food poisoning and neither is The Tween, but we’re better than we were yesterday.

No knitting has happened.  Neither has much of anything else.  Lots of watching stuff on Netflix Instant between trips to the bathroom.

The weekend is upon us.  It’s supposed to be HOT and BEAUTIFUL!  We have no plans (Though I’d LOVE to talk The Husband into going to a farmer’s market Saturday.)  just hanging out together.  I can’t wait!

Since today is Star Wars Day “May the fourth be with you.” I leave you with this: