I love to knit. I love the rhythm once I really get into a pattern. I love the feel of the soft, fluffy yarn sliding through my fingers. However, I am NOT a “Good Knitter”. I get very frustrated when I can’t get a pattern to work the first time. Starting over the 10th time? I begin making up new swear words because I’m tired of saying the same ones over and over and over. Yet, I really DO love to knit. I just have no Zen.
I’ve begun to realize, one of my biggest flaws is that I’m a perfectionist. I hate not doing things right or well. Unfortunately, that has turned into a huge problem. My internal monologue begins with, “Well, I probably can’t do this right so I’m not going to even start it…” I used to be unafraid to try new things, to just DO something new. Now I’ve become too scared. My knitting is a perfect example of it. I can Knit, Purl, KYOK and K2Tog. I’ve learned those quickly and efficiently, but now I’m stuck. I balk at trying any patterns that require me to learn beyond those few stitches. Mentally I freeze and panic. I tell myself, “Master those others first before taking on a NEW stitch.” or “WTF are you thinking? You’re not ready for THAT!”
The more I think about this, the more I see how much of my life I’ve wasted being afraid I’d fail. It kind of pisses me off, yo.
What exactly is there to be afraid of if I fail? Yes I might look silly or be embarrassed, but no more so than I did or was Friday night staggering down The Plaza. I did THAT. I’ve given BIRTH. There is no sillier looking process.
Why did I become so scared of failing and WHEN did that fear overtake my life?