I’m Feeeeeear… Fear Fallin’…

I love to knit.  I love the rhythm once I really get into a pattern.  I love the feel of the soft, fluffy yarn sliding through my fingers.  However, I am NOT a “Good Knitter”.  I get very frustrated when I can’t get a pattern to work the first time.  Starting over the 10th time?  I begin making up new swear words because I’m tired of saying the same ones over and over and over.  Yet, I really DO love to knit.  I just have no Zen.

I’ve begun to realize, one of my biggest flaws is that I’m a perfectionist.  I hate not doing things right or well.  Unfortunately, that has turned into a huge problem.  My internal monologue begins with, “Well, I probably can’t do this right so I’m not going to even start it…”  I used to be unafraid to try new things, to just DO something new.  Now I’ve become too scared.  My knitting is a perfect example of it.  I can Knit, Purl, KYOK and K2Tog.  I’ve learned those quickly and efficiently, but now I’m stuck.  I balk at trying any patterns that require me to learn beyond those few stitches.  Mentally I freeze and panic.  I tell myself, “Master those others first before taking on a NEW stitch.”  or  “WTF are you thinking?  You’re not ready for THAT!”

The more I think about this, the more I see how much of my life I’ve wasted being afraid I’d fail.  It kind of pisses me off, yo.

What exactly is there to be afraid of if I fail?  Yes I might look silly or be embarrassed, but no more so than I did or was Friday night staggering down The Plaza.  I did THAT.  I’ve given BIRTH.  There is no sillier looking process.

Why did I become so scared of failing and WHEN did that fear overtake my life?

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2 responses to “I’m Feeeeeear… Fear Fallin’…

  1. Hi, I’m a fellow CDAN reader, I discovered your blog there. Just want to say that I also love to knit and I have the opposite problem from you — I’m not enough of a perfectionist about my knitting — I am so lazy about ripping stuff out when I discover it late! I need to be more like you! Anyway good luck with your blog and your knitting.