I have this theory…
I am an emotional eater. I eat when I’m bored. I eat when I’m stressed. I eat when I’m unhappy. Celebrations are often built around food. I’m like a crack-head that HAS to have a hit in order to survive. I can’t NOT eat, or I die. Unfortunately I find myself in a situation where if I continue eating out of boredom, stress, unhappiness, celebration, blah, blah, blah, it very well may kill me. I am a walking oxymoron.
I’ve dieted, I’ve tried working out. (Honestly though, at my size? Walking around the house is exercise. I’m not being flip or self-depreciating here, it’s the God’s honest truth.) I’ve tried not eating much of anything at all. I’ve done meal replacement shakes, Weight Watchers, and countless other things to lose weight. I fail at all of them. Wait. No. If I’m being honest I didn’t fail at ALL of them. A few years ago I lost over 100 lbs. I still had a lot more to lose but I did accomplish that. I’ve since gained a good bit of it back. Meh.
You know what though? I wasn’t alone day in day out then. I was living with my retired parents and someone was always around. Is it that whole “Being accountable to someone else” thing? Probably. It’s also that I don’t do well mentally or emotionally when I’m alone too much of the time.
Now, I know that’s a lot about my weight and motivations but I say it for a reason.
All my life, ALL my life I’ve thought my weight was the problem. If I could JUST lose weight and be the same size as everyone else my life would be PERFECT. WRONG. How full of shit am I? My eyes, they are brown.
I finally realized my weight is a symptom of what the real problem is. Yes, I know, duh Dorkaleena. DUH! This was a HUGE revelation to me. It only took me 43 years to figure it out. The issue now becomes, how do I fix the REAL problem?
Yes, I said knitting. It helps keep my mind busy. I’m OCD enough to have to say each stitch as I knit it. “Knit 1, 2 Knit 1, 3 Knit 1, Purl 1, 2 Purl 1, 3 Purl 1…” I constantly say the pattern to myself as I knit. (But OMG DO NOT INTERRUPT ME MID ROW OR I WILL FLAY YOUR FACE OF OMG!) It keeps my hands busy. A knitting needle in each hand and yarn slipping through my fingers is a great deterrent to eating. Everything I knit is for other people. I don’t want messy hands touching the yarn. The click clack of the needles is soothing to a degree and when I knit I tend to focus in on it to the exclusion of whatever is going on around me.
I also use it for stress management. Something about the repetition of the movement, the total concentration I give it, the soft yarn sliding through my fingers… it’s almost hypnotic and it never seems to fail at driving the stress away and letting me breathe again. (I can tell how stressed I am by how tight my stitches are. Heheh. Sometimes they are TEENY and sometimes they are HUGE. Not great for gauge or look of an item sometimes but I’m learning to control THAT better too.)
That is my plan. Knitting for sanity and weight loss. It sounds bonkers and who’s to say it’s not. If it works though? I’ll be labeled a SUPAH GENIUS, and then I can knit myself a cape! HAH!